Widowhood

Chapter 23

Hello 2008!

The unknown is a scary thing. The future is unknown thus scary. So get ready, hang on cause here comes 2008 and what it holds for us as a family and me as an individual I have no idea and I admit I’m afraid!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Well Happy New Year! Let’s just hope it’s a happy one.

I was up when the New Year came in, playing her on the computer. I didn’t watch the ball drop in New York. I was going to but as I laid on the couch watching the New Year’s Rockin Eve with Dick Clark I started remembering the year we had a New Year’s Eve Party. I remembered decorating and cooking and Mike and friends...and then I began to cry. I cried for the contrast between then and now. Then I was surrounded by family and friends, had the love of Mike and this year I’m alone......so I cried. I couldn’t watch the ball drop, couldn’t sleep so played on the computer till sometime around 1 in the morning.

Today it’s cold and windy. When the winds blow the air comes right through this old trailer. I’m cold although the thermostat is set on 72... how I’ll manage the electric bill may be a problem but praying that by lowering it to 45 at night will save some on the bill. It gets awful tight budget wise around here sometimes.

Yesterday, my son and daughter in law came and helped take down the tree and several other decorations. Today I finished up and all Christmas and New Year’s decorations are back into their storage boxes, stacked back into the storage room.

I hate television today. Only one channel that is full of football games. I hate professional sports. I just can’t see the value in it. Why they are paid in the millions to play a sport that kids play for free. Makes totally no sense to me.

Think I’ll do some cleaning on the Living room today, getting it back to some frame of normalcy after the last three consecutive months of holiday decorations.

Tuesday January 8, 2008

Last night I stayed at my son’s home to watch the boys because the weatherman said we were to get severe thunderstorms during the night. I was afraid if the weather did turn bad that it would be really hard for me to wake up two sleeping boys and get them out of the trailer to safety. I also didn’t like the thought of driving to safety with them in the car. I went to the thought of better safe then sorry and stayed at their house Monday night. No storms at all though. I went home and laid on the couch and fell asleep, as I don’t sleep well away from my home. A call from Jeanie woke me up. Roy was moved from CCU to a room so the family can stay with him. It is now a matter of time. My heart feels the all too familiar pain now of the last days of a loved one. Got a second call from my niece, Donna to tell me I may want to leave as it’s getting bad in Jonesboro. It’s not bad here so I thought I’d stay. She told me her son Jeremy was hit by a car walking to school this morning. The car’s side mirror hit him. The lady asked if he was ok and he said yes and walked on to school. Then he began to feel the pain. Donna had him at the hospital and he may have a broken arm and bruised ribs as it hurts him to take deep breaths. The person that hit him did call and report it to the police department so they had her name and insurance information. I hope Jeremy will be ok. After I got off the phone with Donna, my daughter in law called saying it was getting bad that I and the dogs should come back to town. So I loaded the fur kids up and back to town I went. Tornadoes were all around us but thank the good Lord above we and our homes were all safe. I hate having to make the decision to leave in bad weather, I’m never sure if it’s the right choice. Mike always made the decision to leave and I was never afraid of a storm like I am now. In the 10 years we shared this home of ours we only left it twice for storms, now I leave it several times a year!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Happy Birthday to my nephew Woody Mason Jr.

Got the dreaded phone call from Jeanie. Roy is gone. He passed away this morning. Tears began to form. Ten days into 2008 and we are already saying good bye again to a dear family member. I’m so tired of good byes. My heart breaks for Roy’s wife and children. I know their pain all to well. I am thankful that he made it through Christmas although he did spend it in the hospital. I know he is no longer in pain but that now the pain is transferred to his family. For now they have a pain in their hearts that is immeasurable. Roy was such a gentle man, soft-spoken and will be greatly missed.

Tuesday, January 14, 2008

Roy’s visitation was Saturday. I borrowed my son’s van and drove down Saturday afternoon to Jeanie’s. Got there early so I could spend some time with her. She has really been busy working very hard making flower arrangements for her brother’s funeral. I could not afford to buy flowers so I did what I can and that is to make some personalized picture poems; one for Darlene titled “My Daddy” and one for Martha “In memory of Roy Like”

It’s a times like these it really hurts to be poor. When I can’t even afford to send flowers to pay last honor and respect of a love one. I only hope the family understands that the picture poems are my way of expressing love for them and Roy, that I do care and understand the pain that now dwells in their hearts. I was really dreading going to the visitation. It’s a scene we’ve played out in reality way to many times over the last 18 months. When Jeanie and I got there of course his immediate family was already there, his wife, children, step children and some of the grandchildren. I hugged Darlene and gave her the picture poem, she almost broke down and my tears that I was forcing back began to pour out and I refuse to let them. I am strong and tears will not help Roy’s family, they need strong shoulders now. Darlene could not read the poem at this time and that is understandable, the pain in her heart was too great at this time. I went with Jeanie up to see Roy at rest. He was no longer in pain. Jeanie cried and my heart ached with hers as I wiped away an escaping tear. Roy looked peaceful but I knew that the cold body no longer held the essence of Roy. Roy was not there inside that body but rejoicing in Heaven’s glory with all those whom he loved that were there to greet him. He was now free of pain, worry and suffering. I hurt not for Roy but for the family that he leaves behind to mourn his passing, for the hearts that are hurting that they won’t see him again in this life. Roy was laid to rest in a beautiful casket that looked to be pine, not sure if it was real pine, but it was beautiful. The lining had a picture of a deer jumping over some greenery. The family casket spray made by Jeanie was I think one of her best work. She put a big beautiful ceramic buck deer in the center, surrounded by cat tails and feathers then with roses. It was so beautiful that description in words do not captivate its beauty. She made lots of arrangements and done them all very well. Another one that caught my eye was the one that she made for his children. The ribbon had these words on it, “ We love you Daddy”... the leaves had some fishing lures and in the center was a logging truck replica complete with a load of logs. Roy was a logger his whole life. There were so many pretty flowers showing respect and love for the man who now laid at rest. I waited awhile before approaching Martha, Roy’s wife. She had a continued stream of people giving her their condolences. When I finally hugged her and gave her the picture poem I made, I told her not to open it just now as I didn't’ want to cause her any more tears then she was already shedding. I noticed later some of the family looking at the picture poem, this embarrassed me because I feel it’s such a cheap expression of sympathy. Later Martha hugged me and told me she did go ahead and look at it and cried...she was crying as she hugged me telling me she would cherish it always. I hope that she and Darlene understand that it came from my heart, that money I don't’ have for flowers don’t lesson the love I have in my heart for them, for Roy and the whole family. Jeanie and I came home and then I walked over to the church when Darlene and some of the family gathered that evening after visitation at the fellowship hall of the church. At one point while at the fellowship hall Darlene sat on a pew against the way, her husband, Paul sat next to her, then put his arm around her and kissed her on the forehead. It was at this moment that I felt envy of her, which I know I shouldn't be envy but when I see a couple expressing such tender love and care I envy them for that has been taken from me. While she grieves the loss of her father her love is there beside of her, for her to lean on, to draw comfort and strength from. While I grieved the loss of our son with out my love. I know those moments of envy are just fleeting seconds of time for me, that I am thankful she has Paul there beside her and that if I will just go into my heart's soul my love is there for me, that I can feel him, feel his love, his strength and be comforted by these things. Maybe one day I will not have such envy but for now it sometimes enters my broken soul.  Later I went into the church and listened as Brian, his sister and niece recorded a song called, “When I Get To Where I’m Going”, that would be played at Roy’s service the next day. They did such a great job. I wish I had a copy of the CD. The two women had very beautiful voices and Brian, as always done an outstanding job. Brian and his sister are Roy’s step children but I know he loved them dearly and they him.

That night I tossed and turned on my air mattress. My mind would not settle down to let my body rest in sleep. The losses of the last 18 months kept playing in my mind over and over. I can’t help but wonder who’s next?

Sunday morning I attended church with Jeanie. Roy’s service was to be at 4 pm. The time approached faster then I would have liked. I always fear that moment of last good bye, when the attending file past the deceased and look upon them one last time. It’s heart breaking. When our time came my stomach knotted and the lump formed but I made up my mind I would not say good bye, I’ve had enough of good byes. I went behind Jeanie of support for her. She leaned over the casket and touched her brother and cried. I rubbed her back and a few tears broke through. When she turned away I did to without looking at Roy for I knew I could not hold those tears back if I attempted that final good bye. I want my last memory of Roy not to be of that place in that box but of the day after the Like Family Hoe Down when I went down to his house to see his German Shepherds that he kept telling me I needed to come see. I want to remember him going and letting those two beautiful dogs out and talking to him about their beauty. I want to remember Roy on that day not this one. Because it was getting late and I still had to drive all the way back home alone I did not go to the cemetery but left the funeral home to return to Jeanie’s to pick up my dogs and make the journey back home. My niece, Donna and nephew Woody came for the funeral and were going out to the cemetery with Jeanie so I know she was in good hands. It was a long quiet drive home, with a heavy heart and the time to let the tears flow without needing to be strong.

Hello 2008!

Widowhood

Chapter 22

Friday, December 28, 2007

It was a very nice service to a wonderful man who will always be loved and will never be forgotten!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Tomorrow is new year’s eve and my son and daughter in law’s anniversary. I will be spending the day home alone. I will most likely be sound asleep when the new year comes in, least I hope I am, of late I’ve had trouble sleeping.

Good-bye 2007

The year 2007 is gone! We can not go back to change anything, we can not go back to do or say something we wish we had, we can not take back a angry word or say a I love you when we should have. We can not erase any mistakes; we can not take away or add anything now to the year 2007. It is gone. It is now part of our history, part of our memories only to be reflected upon and not lived.

The year 2007 was the first year that my beloved uncle Charley and my best friend, soul mate, the love of my life, my husband Mike did not spend a moment of time in. There shall be no memories of them in 2007. Only the memories of grief in their passing.

The year 2007 was the last year to spend with my x-brother-in-law, Woodrow Mason Sr., my youngest son, Joshua and James Thomas, my cousin. There will be no more time spent in the presence of these beloved family members. I am only left with their memories.

January 2007 began the first year without my uncle in my life. Charley Abbott was more then an uncle to me, he was a brother as I was raised by his parents and my paternal grandparents. He often filled the shoes of a father in my life. I loved him as a father and I know he loved me as a daughter. I recall when his x-mother-in-law passed and he and I were attending visitation he introduced me to someone as his daughter, then corrected himself by saying well she’s my niece but she might as well be my daughter....and he was right I might as well have been. I’ll never forget him and all he was to me in my life.

January 2007 for the first time in over 30 years Mike, my husband would not be part of my life in the physical sense. He would not be here to talk to, to cuddle with on cold nights, to laugh with, to share the moments of my life with. Of course there has not been a second of time that he was not part of my thoughts and always forever in my heart!

February 2007 our middle grandson, Aaron turned 8 years old!

March 2007 brought devastating news of James’ seizure and for the next six months he fought melanoma cancer. I was there as much if not more then I was at home. In late March a little new member came into my life. My daughter, Linnie found through an add on the local channel a tiny Chihuahua Rat Terrier puppies for sale. I purchased one of these little darlings. Linnie named him Charley. He is has been a bright spot in this year of many dark days. He is as a child, full of mischief, joy and work. The other dogs continue to bring me joy, comfort, unconditional love and the feeling of being needed.

May 2007 our son, Michael Jr. turned 29.

June 2007 while in church at The House of Prayer in Colt, Arkansas a call came by Jeanie’s cell phone, it was my nephew little Woody. His dad had passed away suddenly that morning of a massive heart attack. It was 12 days shy of a year since losing my uncle in the same matter. When Mike and I got married it was his sister, Brenda, Woody, Mike and I. we started our adult married lives together. Now I’m the only one left as they have all gone on without me. June also brought around the one-year anniversary of my uncle’s passing and also our youngest grandson, Austin turned 6.

July 2007 brought news that my youngest son, Joshua was in the hospital yet again with a sinus infection. Joshua was severely disabled. At the age of 4 months he got spinal meningitis that left him with profound brain damage, final diagnoses was profound retardation and cerebral palsy. He never learn to speak, sit up alone, crawl or walk. At the age of 17 we admitted him to a group home in Conway Arkansas. It is a wonderful place and the best decision we ever made for Josh and my only regret there is we did not do it sooner for his sake. During the month of July Joshua got worse and worse and then the call came that he was critical. We went to Conway immediately. The fight was on for his life. However the infection moved into his blood stream and the fight was lost on July 21, 2007. One year and one week after losing my husband I said my final good bye to my youngest son. July also marked the one-year anniversary of the passing of my love, Mike.

September 2007, just two day before my 51st. Birthday James lost his fight against the melanoma cancer and God took him home. He fought hard for nearly 6 months, never giving in, never giving up and never letting go of his faith. James was buried with full firefighter honors. He leaves behind a wife, two small children, parents, sisters and many others who love and miss him so very much. September marked the 49th birthday of Mike and the second one he would not be here to share with. I turned 51.

October 2007 brought the first of Joshua’s birthdays without him on this earth; he would have been 28. October our oldest, our daughter turned 31.

November 2007 I celebrated our 33rd anniversary for the second time without Mike, carrying flowers and a note to his resting-place. Thanksgiving was different then all other years. I spent part of the day at each of the kids’ homes. We did not all sit and eat together this year!

December 2007 our oldest grandson turned 14. Christmas marked yet more changes of traditions. Christmas Eve we gathered at Linnie’s to exchange gifts and enjoy snack foods. Christmas day I split between my daughter’s Linnie’s home, my son, Michael’s home and my niece, Donna’s home. Traditions are changing and it’s been hard for me to accept and to adapt. Roy Like, one of Mike’s cousins is losing ground on his cancer fight. The cancer that started in his kidneys is now in his lungs and bones.

2007 has brought much heartache; some joys and lots of memories. I’ve made mistakes, said things I shouldn’t have and did some good things too.

2007 is now a memory, part of my history.

Widowhood

Chapter 21

I know I was home for a few weeks after James’ passing. Time frame seems to fade if I don’t journal immediately. I often go weeks without writing, which gives the mind time to forget some details. I know I was back at Colt in October for the Like Family Hoe Down. A gathering of the family for a fish fry and good time while Roy still felt up to participating. I know I was there right before Halloween because I was at the church’s Halloween party for the kids. I know I always come home around the first part of the month to pay my bills here at home. I remember that on my return to Colt after James’ passing how sad his mother was how often she cried as we talked. I tried hard not to cry but sometimes I failed. Just before I came home for the beginning of November, Jeanie gave me a most special gift. For months I had seen this ring in a catalog at her home. A simple silver ring with a tiny gold teardrop and an engraving on the inside of the band, “until we meet again”. Mike and my anniversary was coming up so Jeanie hands me this gift and says, “ I don’t want to cry alone and it’s from Mike”, inside the box was the ring. The ring I wear on my left hand, where it shall stay until I meet my love again. I cried.

I was home for Halloween as I took my two youngest grandsons and along with their mother trick or treating. We walked a few blocks and then went to several local churches that have trunk or treats for the kids. This year I dressed up my two small dogs. Charley the smallest was dressed as a cop and Mugsy was in a prison uniform. I used a coupler and leashed them together. They were very cute. I enjoyed the outing with the boys and the dogs.

I’m sure I must have gone back to Colt in November. I don’t think I’ve missed a month being down there since March.

When you lose love ones in death it brings about big changes in your lives, changes that are so hard to accept and to adjust to, sometimes that change brings on more creating a chain reaction which is so heart wrenching at an already very vulnerable heart. For years we’ve gathered at one home for the holidays except for the couple years one of the kids had moved away...but when we live near we have always gathered in one home. This year my children through me another change. Thanksgiving would be their own family meal, starting a new tradition for their own children, leaving me tossed to and fro. I spent one part of the day at my daughter’s and the other at my son’s. I didn’t have to cook, which one might think was a delight for me, but it really wasn’t. Honestly I missed getting up at the crack of dawn to cook for my family. It’s all changed now, the next generation has taken over and old traditions are being pushed away for new ones. It isn’t a bad thing for they do have the right to make the holidays their own but it pains my heart to face these added changes in my life.

Monday, November 19, 2007

This morning I cried. The reason isn’t important. To explain the reason may cause another’s tears and I would never intentionally cause another’s pain. I cried, the tears trickled down my cheeks, I cried out to Mike wanting him back, wanting him here to hold me, to make it all right again. Of course that can never be. I wouldn’t want him to suffer again either. So I cried. Wasn’t the first and won’t be the last. As I cried my little dog, Charley, the smallest and youngest of the three fur kids crawled onto my lap and up to my chest and very gingerly licked a tear from my cheek, he then laid his head on my shoulder. An act of concern and love, a gentle gesture. He didn’t understand why I was crying, not even what crying is, yet he understood enough to know I was hurting and he tried to comfort me in the only means he has. A loving gesture from a devoted animal. Animals and young children give the purest of love, unconditionally and whole heartily, they are a gift from God.

Wednesday November 21, 2007

I should not have to do this. I shouldn’t be alone. I want to scream until I lose my voice how this should not be. Mike should be here. I shouldn’t have to face every little thing alone. I’ve managed the big ones, maybe didn’t manage them well but managed them then comes along this little thing that shouldn’t even be a big deal and it has me wanting to scream, break down into a billion tiny pieces. It’s the mice problem. Can’t do poison because of the dogs so got these no see’em snap traps... Was so proud of myself cause I baited and set them and even though I was nervous and squeamish I was managing to empty the traps from the dead mice. Then a mouse wasn’t dead. I released the button and the mouse moved...not far but moved...I screamed. The poor mouse crawled off a little ways, several times I tried to gather my non-existent courage to get the poor mouse off the counter but it would move and I would scream. Called my son in town and wanted him to drive all the way out here to get this mouse. How stupid is that? He didn’t have the van; his wife had it at work. I had him call my neighbor as I didn’t have their number. Scott sends Beverley over. She is like me when she found out it was alive. I told her had it been dead I could have gotten it even if I was squeamish about it...but the thing was alive. She called Scott who said he could do it if it wasn’t in a trap ...so he came and with gloves moved the mouse into the trash. I so need Mike here. He always took care of things like this. I need him here to love me but I also need him here for all the things he did. I’m so tired of handling them all alone. I hate it! Then when I went to empty the reset mousetrap that mouse was alive. I seen it move before I released the button...waited awhile then dumped it and reset. Why isn’t these traps killing the mice right off like it did the first few times? Why are they still alive in there suffering...I’m sick to my stomach. I don’t want them to suffer but I sure don’t want them chewing up wires and causing a electrical short fire, or damaging my belongings and the droppings are nasty....and I can’t stand the little creatures...but still I feel bad that they are suffering...I don’t want that ...but what can I do? Another trap beneath the sink has a live mouse in it the last time I checked to see if it had died it screeched...I slammed the door shut and could cry the poor thing is suffering and I’m too cowardly to put it out of it’s misery, oh why am I having to deal with this alone, why isn’t Mike here, why did he have to get cancer, why did he have to die...all those why’s with no answers... I sure do miss him for little things like this and I miss him ever so much for the big things ....like a hug to make everything all right.....Oh how I need one of those hugs right now.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it doesn’t feel like it to me. It says it is on the calendar but my heart doesn’t’ feel it inside. I’m not cleaning; not cooking....it just doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving at all!

Linnie is busy baking pies and in the morning she’ll be baking the turkey, dressing and all the side dishes...for her family Thanksgiving. That used to be me......I’m invited and will be there....

Michael is cooking a ham n dressing and bought the pies for their Thanksgiving meal which will be later in the day so I can go to both homes and get to spend a part of the holiday with each of my children and grandsons.

It’s not the Thanksgiving’s of yesteryears, it’s the new Thanksgiving and I guess like anything new it will take some getting used to....

Oh how I need a hug from Mike, how I need to hear his voice again....oh how much I want my yesteryears .........

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I’ve been slacking in writing in my journal. I often times think of things to write but I don’t get up and type them and by the time I do sit down to put the thoughts to paper I’ve forgotten just what it was that I had wanted to express. I think I should go back to devoting more time to journaling.

This year I had thought about not putting up any Christmas decorations. I just don’t feel inside of me like it’s Christmas time. There isn’t the anticipation, joy, and excitement, none of those emotions that come forth during the Christmas season. There are lots of changes taking place in old traditions for the holiday. This bothers me although I do not let my family know that it does for I respect their right to now form their own traditions. I kept those of my mama’s and had hoped that my children would do the same, however times have changed and with it thoughts of people have too. This year Thanksgiving I went to two dinners. Each of my children had Thanksgiving at their own homes. It isn’t the first time my children weren’t under the same roof on a holiday for that occurred when our son lived in Tennessee and years ago when our daughter lived in Fayetteville, or least I think she might have missed being here on a holiday, but that was so long ago the memory isn’t so clear now. At any time my children are not together at a holiday I find it very sad and heartbreaking. It’s a mother’s thing I guess to wish for her family to all gathers on the holidays. Last year was our first without Mike and it was sad but we were all together.... This year, the second without him and we’re not together during the holidays. I find this so very depressing and sad. I had thought that for me this year would be easier as I’ve already endured those firsts's without Mike but it’s harder this year. Not only is he gone but traditions are being discarded as well. The children do have the right to make new ones and I must learn to accept and even enjoy these new changes. I must remember that Christmas isn’t about the big dinner, the decorations, the gifts or where you gather, it’s about love. It was love for mankind that God sent his only son here to be born in a stable, to walk among us then to die for us. It was love. So no matter what the new traditions become, no matter where we are, how near or how far the love I have in my heart for my family remains just as strong as ever.

The other night I sat with all the house lights off and just had the Christmas decorations on. I watched the beauty in them but the joy wasn’t there like it once was. I began to cry. There is no one to share these things with so they don’t seem to matter as much to me now. It is true when it is said that what good is anything if you don’t have someone to share it with. The children don’t bring the grandson’s out anymore to see the decorations and spend any time here. So I just sit alone and watch the lights, let the tears fall as I remember holiday’s past.

Today I’m doing laundry and packing for a visit to Colt with Jeanie and her family. Because I am worried about the likely hood of some one coming in the house while I’m gone to steal gifts I’m taking them all up to my daughter’s this afternoon. I hate having to load all of them up. It’s one of the things among many that I hate doing alone. I’m thankful I was able to get each one gifts and better gifts then last year. I hope everyone likes what I’ve chosen for them.

I was making some picture things for family and have misplaced some pictures Mary gave me. I’m so worried about this. I think I left them at Jeanie’s the day I was scanning and burning other pictures to disk I was doing those too but they didn’t burn as they aren’t on the disk with the other pictures. I have the poem she gave me so I should have the pictures if I brought them home. I can’ place them. I really pray I left them at Jeanie’s. It would just make me ill if I’ve lost these pictures. They can’t be replaced and they mean so much to Mary. I pray they are there and if not that there are copies somewhere that we can get some more made from. I think I’m losing my mind these days. This is only one of many things I can’t recall doing something with. I think my mind is slipping away and I’m only 51! If I can’t find these pictures how can I face Mary, she will be heart broken!!!!!!!!!

Mary won’t be able to forgive me if they are lost and I can’t blame her!

Roy is getting worse. I got an email from his daughter, Darlene and just cried. I know I need to go see him yet I dread it. I don’t want to see another person lose the fight with cancer, watch them die too. It’s tearing me to pieces inside. Roy was so good to Mike and I. I have so many precious memories of Roy when we lived at Colt. I pray that God spare him pain and that he might bestow the blessing of allowing Roy to spend one last Christmas with his family, especially the grandbabies. I keep asking when is it going to stop...and there is no answer!!!!

Friday December 14, 2007

I’m sick today. I have chills. I’ve stayed in bed all day beneath my electric blanket. Michael stopped by on his way to work. Everyone is now worried about me and they need not be. I probably just have a case of cellulites in my leg. I’ll go to the dr. on Monday

Monday, December 17, 2007

Went to the dr. this morning. I do have cellulites. My leg is red and so tender to the touch. She put me on antibiotics and I’m to stay off my leg. The kids are all worried about me. Linnie sent food that is microwave able out by Donna. Donna came out and brought me supper. Michael called on his lunch break and Melva has called several times. I wish they all wouldn’t worry so, I’ll be fine.

Thursday December 27,2007

Went back to dr. today, while my leg is much better it is still not completely well so another round of antibiotics and some more leg elevation.

Christmas Eve, Monday, December 24, 2007

Not so many years ago I heard myself say on more then one occasion , “ it’s always the same old same old, nothing ever changes around here.” I wish that statement had held true. I just didn’t know how blessed I was to have the “same old”. There are traditions that can be traced back from generation to generation, each new generation adding just a little something of their own for the holidays. I’ve learned now that I don’t do well with changes. Oh I have to accept them, there’s not a choice in that but I don’t handle them well internally. Internally I am so hurt and feel so let down, sad, depressed and just truly unhappy.

This morning I cried. I cried for myself. I cried cause I miss Mike so much. I cried because it’s Christmas Eve and I’m all alone except for the dogs, thank goodness I have them! This is one of the changes that I’m still finding so hard to handle and it seems like it isn’t getting easier with time. I lost my best friend but also my life, as I knew it. With his passing I’ve seen many many other changes come with it. No longer do I cook and bake, no longer is the house filled with children and grandchildren. It’s all quiet now. The stove seldom gets turned on at all. This morning as I showered I poured some of Mike’s bath gel in my hands just to smell it, to recall what he smelled like coming fresh from the shower. How the scent would fill the trailer. I miss that. I want to hear his voice again. I want to feel his touch again. These things can’t be again, so I cry.

I did get a call from my niece Tammy whom I very seldom hear from. That was a nice surprise. Then I went to town and purchased a few items. Then went to my daughter’s home where we all met, talked, laughed, ate and exchanged gifts. This is another new change. Opening gifts on Christmas Eve. It was nice but sad to me as it was taking away from tradition. I understand though that new traditions, the next generation is stepping up and setting a new holiday tradition. Time for me to just accept it, smile and be happy that I’ve been blessed with a family who I love so dearly and who loves me. I loved my gifts and I think the grandsons loved theirs too!

Today I gave the dogs their gifts. They can make me laugh when I want to cry. They each were so funny and had me laughing at their antics. Although the laugher was gone when I came home tonight to a living room full of stuffing from a couple of their new toys !!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas, Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas! A different Christmas again this year. I wonder when it will become traditional again, or will it ever? I did well though, made it through the day with no tears, just a few moments of sadness remembering Christmas’ past and Mike.

This year I stayed home on Christmas Eve night. I woke up Christmas morning with just me and my dogs. That went better then I expected. I think because I didn’t sit around, I immediately got dressed, let the dogs out, got the frost off the car windshield and left. I went by Linnie & Jerry’s first. Brandon had just finished opening his presents and they were in the process of opening theirs. Brandon got a Nintendo Wii, Guitar Hero II along with some other items and several cash and gift cards. Linnie had taken several pictures of him with my digital camera and I took a few more. I then went to Michael and Melva’s. They had opened their gifts the night before and the boys had gotten up at 3:30 a.m. to see what Santa had left. They were so excited; Santa had left them each a new bike! Mom n dad had gotten them several smaller things, including Austin some magnetics and Aaron a game chair. Everyone had a good Christmas and for that I’m truly thankful.

Michael and I went to the cemetery to take a small metal tree decorated with bells for Mike’s resting-place. I hate the fact that this is where I am now spending Christmas with my love. He can’t share in the joy of the holiday and for that most of the joy has left my holidays. I wish he could see the grandson’s and how much they’ve grown. I wish he could see the joy in their faces. I still write from Nina and Papaw on their gifts.

I ate dinner with Michael and Melva, ham, potatoes, mac n cheese, dressing and rolls. I only ate one small plate as I was going to my niece, Donna’s for a Christmas dinner too. So after I ate I dropped Aaron off at Linnie’s so he and Brandon could play the new Nintendo Wii and then I drove out to Donna’s. She was asleep, as she had stayed up all night. She got up and started cooking again. Lots of food and it was all so very good. Turkey, ham, dressing, potato salad, macaroni salad, mashed taters, cranberry sauce, rolls, pecan pie, chocolate pie, apple pie...I ate until I was stuffed and chose to take my deserts with me. Then I stopped back by Linnie’s and brought a piece of chocolate pie home along with a Cornish hen, which I will eat today. I won’t have to cook for at least two days!

So it was a different Christmas with me making the rounds to three homes. Although it was different it was nice. I played with Matthew at Donna’s. He’s growing and so very cute. Her other kids near grown now are great kids. How could the time go by so fast? Jessica is now 17, Jeremy 16 and Heather 15! It doesn’t seem that long ago they were just babes. The same for Brandon, my oldest grandson, he is now 14! That tiny little baby who weighed only 2 1/2 pounds is standing so tall and weights about 115 now!

It just doesn’t seem like that many years have gone by. They have and all too fast!

I worry about them all. I worry what life will be like for them as adults and for their children. It really scares me. But as it’s Christmas I won’t dwell on that but will say it was a nice Christmas. My only wish would be for Mike, Josh, James, Charley and Woody Sr. to have been here to share one more Christmas with us. That is also my only regret for this holiday that they weren’t here with us and can never be again! Their absence breaks my heart and keeps this from be a perfect Christmas!

Roy Like spent this Christmas in the hospital. Jeanie told me last night that he isn’t doing well and may not make it out of there. This really breaks my heart. His cancers are weakening him every day and I am afraid he is losing his battle too. I fear that there will be another funeral to attend. I just don’t understand the whys? I guess we aren’t supposed to understand. But it sure hurts knowing that soon we’ll lose another love one. I also wonder who will be next and ask God to have mercy on us all and let us have a couple years break in this concession of loses. Let us have a few happy years to spend with family. Jeanie is going to see Roy today. I know I need to but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to see how much he’s deteriorated. I want to remember the Roy who showed me his German shepherd pups, even though he was sick at the time, he looked better then now. I don’t want to see the toll those cancer’s have taken. My heart breaks for him and for his family. I understand their pain!

Widowhood

The Next Chapter In My Life

Chapter 20

At sometime around September 13, 2007, Kelley, James’ wife had to do what I can only describe as one of the hardest things a mother will ever have to do. I can only imagine the pain in her heart as she sat upon this task. I know when I told our children that their dad was dying and they were adults how it broke my heart and pierced my soul. I can’t even imagine how a mother goes about explaining to a six-year-old little girl that daddy is very sick and soon he won’t be living with us but be in heaven with Jesus. How much of that can a six-year-old possible grasp? Kelley took their daughter Mary Catherine into the little girl’s room to have this talk with her. I was not present during this talk nor was anyone else besides mother and daughter. That as it should be at a time like that. Kelley says as she was explaining how sick daddy was and that he might have to go away, before she could talk about dying, death, heaven or any thing like that Mary Catherine very calmly while playing with one of her many toys, without looking up as if it was the most normal thing in the world, say’s to her mama, “I know, it’s ok, in three days three angels are coming for my daddy to take him to heaven.” Kelley said it was spoken with no fear, no sorrow, just as a simple fact! In three days Mary Catherine’s daddy did indeed go to heaven and I’m sure there were three angels to take him too.

The last few days of James’ life was so sad, so heart wrenching and yet spiritual. If you have ever doubted the existence of Heaven and Hell you should have been there in that house beside James on his deathbed. You should have heard the things he said and then you would know that in deed there is a Heaven and Hell. As I said earlier James kept wanting us to let Norman in as he was knocking at the door. Then he talked about wanting to speak to someone but “they” wouldn’t let him just yet, that he’d have to wait a little while. He also began to deny things, as if somebody, someone, something was accusing him of things. Was it judgment? I think it might very well could have been. He would shout out, “I’ve never done drugs, I’ve never touched them in my whole life.” He would argue and even get angry although none of us in the room were saying a word. We’d sometimes pat his hand and tell him “James, we know you haven’t”. Once he started swearing that he had not had sex with someone and he would shout out, “ I’ve never had sex with you now have I? If you say I have you’re a liar.” Again we’d try to comfort him and say of course you haven’t James and sometimes our agreeing that he hadn’t done these transgressions would calm him. Then the day came where he began to say “ I’m not dying, I’m not going to die” or “ Good I’m not dead yet”.....again we’d try to comfort him with things like of course you’re not, your still here, feel your heart beating. Darlene asked him if there was anyone he would like to see and talk to. James wanted Wanda, Norman’s wife so Darlene called around and got her number and she came from out of state the very next morning. He also asked to speak to his uncles T.J. and Roy, which he got to do. After them he had no other requests. This would go on for hours on end, James denying accusations or wanting to let Norman in. Then Sunday morning, September 16, 2007 James was on his hands and knees in his hospital bed screaming in pain. The hospice nurse was called in to help relieve his pain. She had been there off and on the previous days and as always on call 24/7. We told him that his nurse was called and she was on her way. James would shout, “take me to Wynne or Forrest City, I don’t care which. Hurry call the helicopter. If they don’t hurry I’m going to be dead before they get here.” He was in so much pain that to touch him, even to prevent him falling from the bed brought screams of agony from him. His mother with tears in her eyes tried to comfort him and I can only surmise how much it hurt her to see her child in such agony. Darlene and Kelley helped James sit up on the couch, which seemed to help him somewhat. The nurse arrived and started heavier pain medications. They helped James back into his bed. The hospice nurse supervisor was called in. She confirmed that James was in the final stages of dying. James’ mother, Jeanie began calling the family in. Before long the house was full of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. The hours crept by as the nurses did their best to keep the pain medication enough to prevent unneeded suffering. James would ask for his mama over and over and she would sit by his side holding his hands. A family friend sat by his bed for a long time singing gospel hymns, all others in the house were so quiet. Then his mama sat by him and softly sang his favorite hymn. Mary Catherine's Kindergarten teacher from the year before called and asked could she pick her up for a day of fun, to get her away from the situation there at home. What a thoughtful thing to do. Mary Catherine didn’t need to be there to witness the passing of her daddy. The hours went on. Samuel the baby, just 15 months old went to his other grandmother’s for the day. James began to speak less and moan less as the pain medications took over his body. His breathing became more labored. I sat with him for just a short while that day holding his hand, the last thing he said to me was, “ I’m not going just yet.” Tears formed a puddle around my eyes but I held them there and squeezed his hand and told him, “ James, son you don’t have to go until you want to.” but I knew that the choice was not his. His mother and wife took turns by his side there in the living room. Then the kids were brought home that evening, somewhere around 7 , a little before or after, I’m not sure now of the exact time...but those babies had not been in the house five minutes when James drew his last breath. His mother jumped up from the chair by his bedside and screamed, “James no James” his wife jumped up and screamed, “that’s it, I knew he was waiting on Mary Catherine and Samuel!” I jumped up and put my arm around his mother, Jeanie and just rubbed her shoulder while rubbing the hand of James too. People were crying in every corner of the house. More people came all with tears running down their faces. The nurse pronounced him. His mama would not leave him, even when his daddy came to her side and hugged her. After some time, we were asked to wait outside as the nurses cleaned James up. Once back inside, his mama sat with him again while the funeral home was called and on their way. The life of one so young was now gone. The son, the brother, the husband, the daddy was now gone from this life. Mary Catherine sat up on the bed with her daddy while her grandma sat in the chair beside the bed as she had done most of the day. She stroked her daddy’s hand and kissed it. She then wanted his wedding ring, which her grandma helped her take off his finger. Then the funeral home came and got information from Kelley, then they asked those who didn't’ need or want to watch the transfer of the body to please leave the room. I didn’t leave yet I didn’t watch. Jeanie went screaming from the room into the bedroom. They took James away.

In conversations that night Kelley said she seen at the time of death a bright light in the hallway and Martha, James’ aunt said she seen one beneath his bed but thought it was some sort of medical equipment light...there was no equipment with lights...the only thing was oxygen. To this day Kelley believes those lights were angels and she still wonders who seen the other angel as Mary Catherine had said in three days, three angels were coming for her daddy. This was the third day and the three angels came for her daddy.

I really thought because of James’ faith and that of the congregation of the little country church that God would perform a miracle and beat back the cancers. It wasn’t to be ... God’s plans were different.

That night after all went home, Jeanie and I stayed with Kelley and the kids so she wouldn’t be in the house alone. A short night. The next day I asked to stay home with Mary Catherine while they made arrangements. Kelley asked me to go, saying I was family, I was James’ second mama. While I really appreciated the thought I honestly didn’t want to go. I’d planned my own son’s funeral less then two months before and a year before that I planned my own husband’s, I really didn't’ want to go through that again! I stayed there with Mary Catherine; Samuel went to his grandma’s. Mary Catherine told me, “Miss Linda, I didn’t want my daddy to be dead.” Talk about tearing your heart out, to hear this out of a little six year old girl just wrenched it right from my chest. I picked her up and held her and told her. “ I know honey, none of us does.” What more could I say. I had no answers for this little one, for myself, for anyone. I couldn’t make sense of the whys.

James would be buried with full firefighter honors. Visitation was September 18, 2007, my birthday! What a sad birthday! The pain in my own heart, in the hearts of all those around me whom I dearly loved. This was not a birthday I wanted!

That evening we went to the visitation. Jeanie, James’ mother did better then I expected and with her doing so well, I stood back and let her be with her siblings and friends who came to pay respect and condolences. I spent a lot of time in the waiting area watching the video of James. So many of those pictures brought back memories of the times in James’ life. Some wished me a happy birthday even though they understood it wasn’t a happy one. I appreciate their well wishes but this day was not about me it was about James! My son, Michael came and so did my niece Donna and her family, my nephew Woody and his daughter. There were so many flowers, all so very pretty. So many people had been touched by James. He knew so many and all that knew him liked him. The night came to a close. Services would be on September 19, 2007.

My father and stepmother came to the services. The family was directed to a waiting area. I felt that maybe I should not sit with the close family but out with the extended family. Mary, James sister told me no my place was with them. I sat beside Charlie, James’ dad and he by his wife and James’ mother. From the back of the chapel three firemen marched in dress uniforms to the front of the casket, one went to the right side, another to the left. the fire captain went to the casket, slowly with precise movement stood before James and raised his hand in salute, turned crisply and marched to the back of the chapel.

The first person to speak was James’ on fire chief from the Colt fire department. He got up and went to the podium. He first said, “ Ya’ll pray for me, as this is very hard for me.” He took a deep breath, gripped the Kleenexes in his fist and his voice cracked with emotional pain and then he said, “ Ya’ll aren’t praying hard enough.” This brought nervous chuckles from us all. He gave a wonderful speech about James, his first fire and how James gave so freely of his time and what ever was needed from him. He said at James’ first fire when the chief went to ask James if he was ready to handle the hose he turned and all he could see was teeth as James had a smile from ear to ear. He closed with, “ I tried to think why God would need another firemen as he already has so many and all I can think of is he needed another smile.” This brought tears from all.

The next to speak was a minister James had worked with. His sermon was very good and he told of jokes he and James would often play on one another at work. That was James always the jokester.

The last to speak was James Norman, the pastor of The House of Prayer that James attended and also James’ first cousin. They were very close. James Norman told us that his pockets were full of Kleenex if he needed them, to bear with him. He also wanted us to know his family said he didn’t have to do this but that he wanted to...for James. His sermon was lovely and tore at my heart.

Then the time to say final good byes; the part I hate most at funeral’s. Six firemen in dress marched up each saluting and turning crisply to march back down the isle. Then one by one friends then family walked by to say good bye to James. When it came my turn I leaned over James and told him, this isn’t good bye it’s only a see you later.... I hugged James Norman who stood by and told him the same. His eyes were filled with tears yet he stood strong. The family was allowed to stay in the chapel. Then it came his mama’s turn, she screamed, “no my baby boy, I want him back” over and over. Mary Catherine came to me and sat on my lap. I held her. Kelley nearly ran out of the chapel. Jeanie finally walked away only to go back to the casket to scream “ my baby boy I want him back”.

Then we were all taken outside as the firemen pallbearers carried James to the antique fire truck. It was shiny and old, with black cloth draped along its side ladders. James was carefully placed in the back and each of the firemen stood beside the casket. There was a very long precession in the funeral line. Colt fire trucks led the way, followed by store services trucks, the place where James worked then the antique fire truck then the car with Kelley, James Norman, Michelle and the other preacher was in it. Mary Catherine wanted her mama so I took her to James Norman who put her in the car with her mama. Jeanie was inconsolable. I was worried about driving her van with just her and I, what if she had a heart attack or something, what would I do in there all alone with her? I rolled down the window and got Darlene’s attention and asked her to ride with us. She did and I thank her. She hugged Jeanie and did her best to console a grieving mother who continued to say how much she wanted her baby boy back. The line began to move ever so slowly. We drove slowly through the town of Wynne and as we past the fire department there they had all their trucks out to the curb with lights on and firemen standing at attention. Slowly we made our way down the highway, cars pulling over, one man a local x-deputy or something or other got out of his car and saluted James as he the fire truck carried him by. When we reached Forrest City where we’d be turning oft to go to the cemetery the fire department of Forrest City was there blocking traffic with their trucks, lights on, standing in front of their trucks with their equipment folded in a special way on the ground before them, they stood tall as the fire truck carrying James past. Then when we got to the last turn into the cemetery all the firemen who rode with James and those in the trucks before him got out and marched behind their fallen brother to the cemetery. It was a beautiful ceremony. There was the firemen's bell that was rung three times. A flag was presented to James's six-year-old daughter. The service there was long and beautiful. I couldn’t go out to the grave sight for you see James was being buried next to my son and that means either the dirt was piled high on my son’s grave or the family were sitting a top of my son’s grave. I had to turn my head and fight the tears away, tears for James, tears for Joshy, tears from a broken heart that had not mended yet from the loss of others.

Another family member gone, the fifth in 15 months! How much heartache can one soul take? I’m not sure.

Widowhood

Chapter 19

Monday, October 15, 2007

It’s cloudy, cool, gloomy and raining today. The weather mimics my inner soul today...for I too feel gloomy; my soul seems to carry a deep cloud of sadness that won’t allow any sunshine to enter my heart.

It’s been six days now since my last journal writing. Six days to calm myself so that I could continue writing about the events of my life in July of 2007.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007. This was the day I would bury my youngest son. I would say a final goodbye to him. The little cold body would be laid to rest in an equally cold ground. At the same time that this would be taking place, James was in the hospital with those cancer cells bursting and bleeding into his brain. Where was the justice of all this? Why so much all at once? Why is so much happening now? It is true bad things do happen to good people....for James is good, Joshua was good....yet their lives are ending at such a early age.

The morning of July 24 is a blur as I think back upon it. I know that we all got dressed and prepared for Joshua's service. Several people from the home where Joshua lived came. His social worker and many of his caregivers came to say their goodbyes to him. He had some pretty flowers sent to honor him. The service began at 2 pm. Michelle Like; James Norman’s wife read the obituary.

“One of God’s guaranteed angels; Joshua James Like was awarded his wings on July 21, 2007. Joshua was born in Tampa Florida on October 5 1979 and departed this life on July 21, 2007 at Conway Regional Hospital in Conway Arkansas under the loving care of Dr. Stewart and the nurses of the critical care unit. He is survived by his mother, Linda Like of Lake City Arkansas; one sister and brother-in-law, Linnie and Jerry Partee of Paragould Arkansas; one brother and sister in law, Michael and Melva Like of Paragould Arkansas; 3 nephews, Brandon Partee, Aaron and Austin Like all of Paragould and maternal grandparents Ed and Mickey Abbott of Van Buren Missouri. He is preceded in death by his father; Michael David Like Sr. Joshua resided at the Conway Human Developmental Center in Conway Arkansas since 1997. He was loved and will be greatly missed by family, many friends, the gentle and loving Dr. Stewart, the nurses of Conway Regional Hospital and the staff and residents of Conway Human Developmental Center....especially those of 3 cedar.”

Ginger Johnson, Cheryl Williams and Joann Like sang 3 songs during the service; Serenaded By Angels....which was also sung at Mike’s service; Hallelujah Square, which words say there will be no cripples in heaven and I Want Us To Be Together In Heaven , which was also sung at Mike’s service. Their voices were beautiful as they sang each song...tears flooded my eyes during the song Hallelujah Square and I know my little boy is no longer handicap, he is whole and dancing all around heaven’s streets of gold.....

Pastor James Norman Like officiated over the services, just as he did for Mike...and once again he did such a beautiful job. The staff from the home even commented on how beautiful the service was conducted. I know James Norman preached a very good service although my mind can not recall his words or the scriptures as my heart was too heavy with grief...I remember putting my head on my son’s shoulder during much of the service, crying into it. My daughter could not sit up front with us. She just can’t do that sort of thing and I respect that for it surely isn’t easy. I remember that as the service progressed and the time for the final good bye approached the more my heart ached. I remember sobbing into my son; I hate good byes.....I remember when those attending paid their last respects some would stop and hug me but I can’t remember whom done so...I kept my eyes closed or to the floor, I just couldn’t bare to watch as each one said their goodbyes to my little boy.....the pain was unbearable...I remember when it was our time to say good bye, I remember clinging to my son Michael and then to James Norman, saying no more good byes, it’s only a see you later...I remember very little from that moment until we stepped away from the casket at the grave side. I remember touching it gently and saying, “ Baby, I’ll see you later.”

Most of the Like family went to be with James at the hospital. My children and I returned to the fellowship hall along with my nieces and nephew and their step mother and my dad and Mickey...Soon everyone went home and I went to Jeanie’s home. I wanted to go to the hospital but had strict orders from Jeanie and her husband Charlie not to go....they didn’t understand being left their alone was much worse then going to the hospital where my mind’s focus could be on James and the family and not on my grief, my pain and the loss of my little boy. I stayed though as they requested and my heart grieved even though I knew without any doubts that Joshua was in a much better place, he was no longer a cripple being fed by tubes, he was now whole and free........

November 16, 2007

It’s been a month since I last wrote in this journal. It is very hard to relive the recent past in order to put events down on paper. The pain is still fresh and raw as an opened wound and when I write it seems as if I’m pouring salt into that wound. Which is why I take such long breaks from writing. The downfall of the long breaks though is that the mind forgets the little details of events that really should be included into the journal. I can only do my best to write events and feelings as I recall them.

I don’t really remember how soon James came home from the hospital but I think it was like 3 or 4 day hospital stay. Before he came home his sister, Mary, Michelle and I cleaned his mom’s home as he would be brought there. A medical supply place brought a hospital bed, oxygen and potty chair. James would be coming home under the care of hospice. HOSPICE. This hammers home the truth that James is dying. How can that be so! He is only 36. He has two small children. He is a Christian. He is a good father, a good husband, a good son, a good brother and just a great person. How could this be happening to him? This young man has so much faith and in my thoughts just where had that gotten him, he’s still dying. I am so pissed at God. Yes I said it, Pissed at God! I know I shouldn’t be and being so is probably a sin above all sins but I can’t help it. You see I honestly believed that if a miracle was granted it would be to James. James has faith that is immeasurable. He doesn’t doubt God. He believes with all his soul and he lives for God the best he can and with astonishing holiness. I strongly believe God would grant James the miracle of healing from cancer. That James would beat melanoma. James would raise his children; he would become the preacher he dreamed to be. He would by his testimony of fighting; beating and receiving a miracle from God bring many to the Lord. That once again as in times past that little church beneath the hill would be overflowing with a congregation of faithful believers and servants of God. I whole heartily believed that James’ prayers would be answered. I didn’t blame God for not answering my own prayers for Mike or for Joshy. Why should he? I don’t live for him; I’m not a Christian although I believe. But James was and James believed but the truth before me was James was home on Hospice and dying.

I set my air mattress up in the dining room. James’ bed was set up in the living room. At night Kelley, James’ wife would inflate her air mattress up next to James’ bed.

That first night he was home was strange and a bit scary. Scary in that I wasn’t sure how bad he was and what to expect or if I could handle the daejavu feeling of having been down this road before., watching someone I love die. I told Kelley before laying down that if she or James needed me just to give a shout. James at sometime in the early morning hours wanted up and Kelley trying to care for him was telling him he couldn’t get up. He was determined and just like Mike did when I tried to tell him he couldn't’ get out of bed James threatened to hit Kelley. Neither man was abusive and both gentle souls yet their minds savaged by the cancers were not the same. Kelley called for me and I jumped out of bed. She said, “what am I going to do with him he was going to hit me for not letting him up.” I told her “we’ll let him up and we’ll just walk beside him as his equilibrium isn’t right and he might fall”. He was up and we walked with him as he went to the fridge and then he and Kelley went to the bathroom. James stumbled as if drunk but the only impairment came from the cancers. The next several days was filled with visitors coming to see James. James would sometimes talk in unexplainable reasoning's, his words making no since and other times he was coherent and “normal”. Those were the good moments. James was coming back slowly but coming back from the bleeds of the cancers in his brain. As happens when someone whom is loved so much and many people are living under the same roof, tension rises, feelings get hurt, people get short with one another. It’s the stress of the situation that out of the control of everyone manifesting it’s self. James had a particularly painful day and the hospice nurse was there for hours trying to get his pain under control. To hear him in such pain ripped out pieces of your heart. Not only was his prayers not being answered he was suffering such intense pain. He couldn’t stand light so the room was kept dark. He couldn’t stand noise so we were quiet. Finally after hours the pain subsided and he slept. James touched a lot of lives and people were coming continuously to see him and bringing food and offering to help in any way they could. That speaks well of a person. So many cared for James as he cared for so many. There were a couple days James was doing really well and those visitors and him would relive their youth telling stories and laughter rang out from that living room. Those were some really good days. James never lost his sense of humor. I recall a day I was sitting by his bed when he wanted some milk. I went and poured him a glass and carried it to him. I was sitting there and he didn’t want help holding the glass so I told him, “ James doesn’t you spill that. You know if you do I’ll get the blame and it’ll be all my fault we have to change your sheets.”...With this boyish mischievous grin on his face James says, “ooops” and pretends to come close to spilling the milk. I jump and reach for the glass, just knowing he’s going to spill it and I hear his laugher and the laughter of those sitting in the room with us. I tell him, “ you ain’t right son, you just aint’ right.” We’re all laughing. It was a good moment. James is getting in and out of bed on his own and doing fairly good, astonishing me and others including his hospice nurse.

Josh’s school, Conway Human Developmental Center had a memorial service. My son Michael was going to drive me to Conway. Some problems arose and he was late getting to me and we missed the service but I got to go to Joshua’s cottage and tell the staff there how much I appreciated how well they cared for Josh. Tears and hugs were exchanged. That evening I gathered up my belongings from Jeanie and returned home for a week.

I called or got a call every day to learn how James was doing. Each day he was improving. Kelley had gone back to work before I came home. That next weekend they were going home for the weekend and then decided they would stay at home as James was doing so well.

Got a call from James that he needed me so I went back down and could not believe how well James was doing. It was astonishing! He was so well looking. Staying home alone, taking medicines. He needed me to help fill out some disability papers. We got that taken care of and had an appointment at the Social Security office. James and I went to that and then out to lunch. Just he and I. I just couldn’t believe how well he looked. I couldn’t tell a thing was wrong with him except for the baldhead, as his hair had not come back in yet. The days were filled with going places and staying at James with him. I want to think there was a episode that caused us to have to start staying with him again cause I know for a while there he stayed by himself. James was always making jokes and aggravating his mom and teasing everyone. Right before I came back home again Jeanie and I took him bowling! He bowled 2 sets of 10 frames. It was amazing to see how well he was doing. James was doing so well that my faith began to build. I really believed we were seeing the miracle. I honestly believed that God was granting James the miracle cure. I really believed that James was beating melanoma by the grace of God and his faith. I really needed this miracle. I needed someone I love to beat cancer to live. I needed this to rebuild a weak faith. I not only needed this but I so desperately wanted it.

I came home again.

I’m not sure in recollection how long I was home this time until that dreaded phone call came. James was having another episode where the cancers were bursting and bleeding. He was still on hospice. The hospital bed had been moved from his mother’s home to his and set up in the living room there. I got there on the second day after the recent episode of the cancers in his brain bursting. What a change in him ! He was so ill this time. He looked so bad. His mind wasn’t coherent most of the time. I cried inside.

Once while Jeanie and I had gone to her home to get some clothes and meds for her, her husband, James’ daddy asked me, “ Do you think he’ll get better this time, Linda?” Oh how I wished he hadn’t asked me ! It was the hardest question to be asked, the most painful one. My heart ached for I could not lie to this man I respect and by experience with Mike I knew what lied ahead. “No, Charlie”, I tell him with a broken heart, “ I don’t think he will. He might get to where he can talk to us again but I don’t think he’s going to get better now.” I could see the break of his heart , it read so clearly on his face. He was being torn apart at the thought of losing his son! I set my air mattress up in the baby, Samuel’s room. We would all be taking turns in two’s sitting up with James at night. Jeanie and I together one night and Darlene and Kelley the next night. For 3 days James would ramble about things that made no sense. He asked us over and over to let Norman in. He’d say, “Norman’s at the door let him in”. He’d get so agitated at us for not letting Norman in. Darlene would even open the door up so he could see no one was there. Norman was James’ uncle, the founding pastor of their church who had been killed in a logging accident a few years ago. Knowing that Norman was not on this earth set every nerve in my body to tingling. Was Norman coming for James? Could James here Norman coming for him? Is it possible that God would send someone we love and know to help us pass over so we won’t be afraid?

Widowhood

Chapter 18

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Last entry was 16 days ago...a lot can happen in 16 days and it has. I will get to that later though as for now I want to pick up where I left off on the events back in July 2007.

After getting up and walking away from Joshua’s bedside we went back to the waiting room, as there were phone calls to be made. To the funeral home that would be taking Josh and to his caseworker from the home. Michael my son took care of these calls. He’s grown into such a strong man since his dad’s passing, taking care of things for me, stepping up and filling some awful big shoes. The funeral home that carried the burial policy on Josh was in Conway but they have many different ones and I was trying to get him back home...There was one in Jonesboro but transporting the body over 50 miles would cost and like my whole life money is a huge issue and there just wasn’t any funds. Where with Michael’s service there was family, churches and friends to help with the expense now there is no one but me. And I live on a disability check and very small widow’s disability check. Our plans were to at least get him back to Colt where other Like family members are buried and where I know at least I could go back to sometimes to put flowers on the grave or have one of the family do it for me. The closest funeral home the company had to Colt was at Marianna Arkansas. They agreed to accept him. You know when your heart is breaking, you’ve lost a part of you, the financial side of burial just makes it so much harder. Those whom money isn’t a issue will never understand the emotional pain that lack of money for a decent burial of one you love causes you. With the phone calls made and the acceptance of the Marianna home to come get Josh we headed back to Jeanie’s home in Colt. I drove Jeanie’s van with her and Michael drove his van with he and his sister...Just the 4 of us was there. No huge family to surround Joshy as he left this life. At the moment of his last breath it was only Jeanie and I sitting by his bed, one on either side holding his little hands......no big family standing by...just us to morn the passing of this little life. Jeanie asked me if I was up to driving but just like the drive there I needed to have a focus such as driving to keep my mind from dwelling on the loss of a perfect little soul. Josh was a perfect little soul. He never sinned. He was as pure as a little infant although he was 27 years old. At the age of 4 months when he had spinal meningitis that left him with profound mental retardation and physical limitations he became God’s guaranteed angel. Sometimes I wonder if God needs to do this to the innocent ones just so that he will for certain have angels and souls in heaven. For if he allows us to grow and mature how many will then make it to heaven...few I imagine. So he picks these chosen little souls to be guaranteed angels. I told Josh during those last hours how sorry I was for all the times I didn’t care for him properly, for all my short comings that I know I did and still can not bring myself to put them down to words for all to see. I will just say that I failed this child BIG Time in his care on so many many days....and I am truly sorry and I am deeply ashamed! The best thing I ever did for that child was place him at CHDC (Conway Human Developmental Center). It was there he got the proper care. It was there he was truly happy. I don't’ think I can ever be forgiven for those days of lack of care by myself, by Joshy or by God or Jesus. The bible says “ as you do unto these little ones you do unto me” so how can Jesus ever forgive me? How could Joshy ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive me?

The ride back to Jeanie’s was quick with just one stop. I don’t recall conversations so can’t relay them here. I’m sure we spoke I just don’t recall those words. Michael and Linnie stayed the night at Jeanie’s with me going home the following morning. I went to church with Jeanie and my father and his wife came down to go to church too and my Aunt Donna came too. I cried through the service. I had asked the pastor if I could use the church for visitation and services. He said yes. After church it was time to go to the funeral home to make the arrangements....... Myself, Jeanie, her daughter Mary, my father, his wife and my aunt all went to Marianna. My nerves were all a jitter because I feared what sort of arrangements could be made. The plan Josh had wasn’t yet paid for and I didn’t have the money to pay it in full either so would they like the funeral home we used for Mike tell me if I had no money that I would have limited means of burial, like cremation (which causes me to cringe and shudder); just placed in a box and buried with out any services or just a very short plain simple graveside service. I felt sick to my stomach as I feared a repeat of what we heard from the funeral director when we went to do Mike’s arrangements. The director here went about asking the normal questions, date of birth, place, parents, siblings, ect....never mentioned money....we discussed the time and I asked what the charge would be to take Joshy to the church at Colt, no charge I was told. I couldn’t believe there wouldn’t be an extra charge....then he mentioned looking at the caskets. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t afford anything then the one on the plan, which is the cheapest wood cloth, covered one so why look and tear my heart even more. My stepmother went and looked. When all that was taken care of still no mention of money. The director asked me if I had any questions and I was shocked and said “yes, what about money, the finance of this service?” He went in to the office and did some figuring with another person and came up with the final cost which they said I could make payments on. They didn’t even set a payment amount just said for me to honestly make an effort to pay. I couldn’t believe it. Yes it was an extremely cheap service because I’m poor but even with as cheap as it was I still couldn’t have come up with the account in full so these people were with out any difficulty going to let me make payments...and let me decide how much those monthly payments would be! Unless you are poor like myself you can not imagine the degrading you feel when you can’t bury a love one with pride. When it has to be the cheapest of everything. The one thing that really bothers me the most is the kind of casket and that there is no concrete box or vault to protect the casket from caving in when the weight of the dirt is over it. Every since the funeral director that handled Mike’s services told me when you go back to a grave and it’s sunk in , that it’s caused by the caving in of the casket from the weight of the dirt I get sick just thinking that my baby isn’t protected from that. The casket isn’t a sealed one either, so all the creatures that live in the dirt .....Oh gosh I’m getting very upset just typing this....I can’t stand it ...yet I had no choice because I’m a poor class citizen.

Afraid I need a break now from my journaling to get myself some time to calm and think more clearly.

It is now Tuesday October 9, 2007

I will continue on with the events back in July 2007. The funeral arrangements were made. Joshua would be taken to Colt, Arkansas to the little church, The House of Prayer, founded and still attended by many of the Like family and the pastor there is James Norman Like who also preached Mike’s funeral. Gosh how much I owe this young man.....I can never repay his kindness....never....

Monday came and Jeanie went to her flower shop beside her house to make flowers for Josh. She, just like she did for Mike is making the casket wreath and at no charge....again another person that I can never repay their kindness back.....All day she worked on flowers.....I went out a few times to talk with her and would tear up as I saw the beautiful flowers...and when she showed me the one with the tiny little angel holding it’s little hand out and blowing a kiss, she said, “that’s Joshy blowing you a kiss good-bye”....tears trickled down my cheek. I spent a big part of the day on the computer making pictures of Joshy with angels and writing the obituary I wanted read at his service. I didn’t want the one that was put in the paper, with so few words about my little boy....I wanted more for him....I offered to help clean the church and fellowship hall but no one would hear of that....I needed to keep busy.....to keep my mind occupied so as not to dwell on the fact that my baby was now gone...that I’d not see, touch or hear him again in this life. That pain I needed so desperately to keep pushed back for if I broke down I’m not sure I would stop....I was afraid that the combined losses, Mike, Charley, Woody and now Josh would just all come surging in one overwhelming wave and totally wash me away in a despair of grief I couldn’t come back from. Later that afternoon I went to the fellowship hall to be around others and keep me busy. Mary, Jeanie’s daughter was there, food had been brought...then Kelley came for the children, Mary Catherine and Samuel....Kelley said she had been calling James for sometime but he wasn’t answering the phone. This worried me.....my heart began to speed up....my nerves began to tingle...something wasn't right. I told her that if I was her I’d go right now and check on James...and if he was “just sleeping” then he needed a tongue lashing for scaring the beejebbers out of us...but better to be safe then sorry and go check on him. The time seemed frozen as Mary and I waited for Kelley to call us and let us know if James was ok. Finally getting too anxious to wait any longer I ask Mary to call Kelley. She does, Kelley says’ she will call right back...that isn’t good...now I’m scared...not worried but downright scared!!!!

We wait for a few minutes then I call Kelley back. I tell Kelley “ Kelley you have to tell me if James is all right.” again she say’s she will call right back...she calls back in a minute or two...talks to Mary. Mary hands me the phone, “Kelley, what’s wrong? Is James ok?”

“ I don't’ know”, Kelley says

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I am getting more nervous now

“He isn’t acting right.” Kelley goes on to tell me

“Kelley you need to tell me just what he is doing.” My nerves are tingling almost uncontroable by this time.

“I called his cell phone while I’m standing here and it’s on his side yet he isn’t answering it.”

What else Kelley?

“ He is sitting at the table with several checks ripped from the checkbook but nothing wrote on any of them. There is water running in the kitchen sink. There is a pan of oatmeal burned sitting on the dryer. He says he mowed the yard today but it hasn’t been mowed. I’m freaking out here Linda”

I know Kelley I know you are...but you have to get James to the emergency room NOW...you can call his doctor if you want but do so on the way to the emergency room. ......while I’m talking with Kelley I look over a Mary and tell her go get your mom and dad, they have to get James to the hospital now....my heart is now twisted and my nerves are shaking my whole body. I know all to well what this is a sign of...... this is dae-ja-vu for me...just a different person having to go through this with...James is too young...he had babies...this just can’t be...we’ve prayed for a miracle...James is a strong believer...the church there is a strong believers....Mary rushes to get her parents who live right across the road from the church...You can hear Jeanie yelling in a panic voice to hurry...they speed out . Mary then remembers she will need to go get the children...just as she starts to go get them her mom and dad pull back up yelling to get in so she can be with the kids...she tells them go on I’ll be right behind you in my car.....They are all rushing to James and Kelley’s...I tell Kelley on the phone to hang on, Jean, Charlie and Mary are on their way....My heart knows this isn’t good, that more then likely those cancers on James’ brain are bursting and bleeding....this is why his behavior is so off.....This just can’t be happening again !!!!!!!!!!

I’m now alone at the fellowship hall.....pacing....worrying...grieving....

Josh will be brought there that evening but by the time that happens my son, daughter, dad and his wife, my niece and nephews are all there....Here we are preparing to say goodbye to one child and have another one who’s life lays in the balance between life and death....how can this be happening all at once like this....how...and ....why......

When the funeral home brings Josh I can’t watch them unload him...so I step into the fellowship hall.. My son, Michael takes care of the details in the Church. Then it’s time for me to go see my baby. I know he will not be soft to my touch like the last time I touched him. I know now his little body will be cold and hard. I know yet my heart can not accept.

I remember my son Michael and my dad walking beside me as I start down the isle of the little church. I remember looking to the front and seeing the gray casket ...and Joshy so still ....I remember swaying, closing my eyes hoping when I opened them it would be from a nightmare I would awake.......yet when I opened them there before me still was that gray casket with my little boy lying so still inside....I remember touching over and over his cold body, telling him how sorry I was for all the times I failed him, telling him over and over how much I loved him. I remember having Michael get me a chair so I could sit there with my little boy. I remember lots of people coming up and hugging me during the visitation. Some I knew by their voice some I have no recollection of at all. One person though who truly stands out in my mind and heart who’s words I can still hear whispered into my ear today is Paul Boone, the husband of my cousin Darlene. I say my cousin’s all the time for in my heart they are ...they are true cousin’s not just by marriage as is the reality. I’ve been a Like now much longer then I was a Abbott and they have been my family now longer and closer to me then the Abbott’s. Darlene and Paul had their wedding reception at our house all those years ago. It was Paul’s voice that still rings true in my mind. Paul leaned over and hugged me and said, “ I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like for Joshua being like he was and all of a sudden having it all given to him at once, to run, to walk, to talk, to do all that he couldn't’ here...all at one time...the joy that must be running through his sprit right now just hast to be beyond what I can imagine.” We talked about Josh doing cartwheels on the streets of gold.. and how he was too busy doing all this to even know how much we would miss him....Paul’s words helped me more then anything...cause I know Joshua was a guaranteed angel...he never sinned...he was promised a place in heaven from the day he became permanently a little child. Paul’s soft voice still lingers in my ears when I think of my baby being whole with a new and perfect body there in heaven.....

It was hours later when I finally at the urging of my daughter and others to go get a bite to eat at the fellowship hall...Staying at the Church was my son, his wife, my niece, James Norman, his wife Michelle, and a few others. James Norman was going to sing a song for my dad called the “Mirror” song...it was at this time Michelle got the phone call from Jeanie at the hospital. She came into the Fellowship Hall nearly white and told Mary to call her mom...Mary screamed no...and Michelle just turned with red tear streaked eyes...I was right behind her yelling, “Michelle you can’t do this to me , you have to tell me what is happening.”....Mary was screaming hysterically...Michelle finally with me goes over to tell Mary that the cancers in James brain were bursting and bleeding. Mary just screamed and screamed...I held her ...I told someone to go get James Norman, she lunged into his arms screaming “no James Norman no’ over and over...Everyone’s eyes were blurred with tears, tears were rolling down cheeks of every person there.....then James Norman told Mary that “ long as their is breath there is hope” and it was then that she knew her brother wasn’t dead and that helped her to calm down. I kept pacing the drive...wanting to be here with my son, who was now in the arms of Jesus and wanting to be with Jeanie and her son who’s life was now in danger....I love those two...Jeanie is more a sister to me then any half sister I have. I’ve not been closer to anyone like her since Brenda, Mike’s sister was alive. James is like the son of my heart. He is so gentle, so faith filled, so kind, go giving....you just can’t help but love this boy. At age 36 with two small children and with such faith and support of faith filled saints of God ...how can this be happening..... I paced ...I cried...finally I had my nephew to take me to the hospital and would go check on James and Jeanie and would come back to the church....In the wee hours of the morning this is what I did....I couldn’t help my son any longer...but maybe just by being there I could help Jeanie and James in some small way.....Some may have looked down on me for leaving but if one really thought it through visitation hours would have long been over with at a funeral home and I would have been back to my home by this hour and could have easily gone to the hospital to check on Jeanie and James...It really doesn’t matter if anyone made a judgment against me...I don't’ really care... I did what I could live with....

Seeing Jeanie so distraught at the hospital was heart wrenching...she was upset with me for coming but maybe she was a little relieved too....She kept saying how she wanted to go with James...she wanted God to take them both together....I saw James. He was only slightly responsive to us.....which was a blessing he could respond at all....I returned that same morning before sun up to the little church...and laid beside my youngest grandson’s in the fellowship halls guestroom.....wondering over and over ...why??????????????